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Please Help...Has my lady been molested or abused?
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Taubah
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Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 1239
Location: Indiana

PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well said william well said!!
_________________
Parched. dry. i run-
across your soul.
the faceless me i chase,
voiceless and untold.
~Taubah
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ivonne
Posting Freak
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Joined: 09 Jun 2004
Posts: 5874
Location: the netherlands

PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey William,

You know I'm not a religeous person... by any stretch of the imagination.

However, you have done lot's for me in getting Christians back in my good graces. (you and the people that started this board in the first place)

I kind of think of you as our resident saint Very Happy

Ivonne
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We dont see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
-Anas Nin
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William
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Joined: 08 Dec 2003
Posts: 201

PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ivonne, I had no idea you were so mixed up. Me, the resident saint. rotfl like crazy.

William
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mxkx
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Joined: 06 Apr 2010
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not going to speculate on whether or not she was sexually abused. Honestly, that is none of anyone's business here, including yours. If you really want to help encourage her to go see a therapist if she ever opens up to you about any abuse and support her while she goes through therapy. Otherwise, leave it alone. If her behavior is making a relationship impossible, drop the relationship and if you really care stay her friend instead until she's ready to deal with it.

The bottom line here is she has some bizarre behavior going on and it is absolutely up to you to stay or leave until she comes to terms with whatever it is that is causing the behavior and that is all that is up to you. She could just not be interested in you and worried about letting you down, interested in you and worried about being let down, etc. It doesn't necessarily have to be sexual abuse or even abuse at all - some people are just geared to be social butterflies.

I understand that you may want to gain some insight on sexual abuse but this is by no means the way to do it. You would be exploiting her pain for your own comfort if she has indeed been sexually abused. That's not love, that's abuse too.

I also understand you believe that she is going to come to you once she's healed. What if she doesn't, though? One must consider that possibility. All this time and effort you spent on trying to save her will turn out to have been in vain, and either way she will have entered in to an agreement that she was not even aware of - that if she allowed you to help her she would come back to you once healed. That's deceptive.

Look, I don't think you're a bad guy, but I do think that you're not realizing what you're doing here and are ignoring the advice of people that themselves have been in the abuse survivor's shoes and know exactly how to approach this issue. They're telling you it's a good idea to back off and leave it alone whether it happened or not because it is deeply and profoundly personal, a place you do not belong and should not venture in to uninvited. Would you like someone probing in to your deepest secrets and asking others what they thought your secrets were? If she has been abused, it's a secret for her. Allow her that privacy! She very well may have had very little of it in the past.

By pushing it, you may very well do more damage than good if she has been abused. Until she's ready to face it, anyone that tries to convince her that it happened or even suggests that it may have happened is going to trigger a whole slew of negative emotions that she has worked very hard to ignore. One major thing that can happen when this starts is she is going to push it all back even further than it was before, extending the amount of time it's going to take for her to finally realize it. Another huge possibility is that she is going to push you away completely because now you serve as a reminder of that pain. Pretty much, whether she was abused or not, no good can come from you dragging this up. It's something she has to do on her own.

I wish I could provide some words of comfort for you and explain why she is behaving the way she is. Unfortunately I cannot, only she can do it, especially when the symptoms you described can be characteristic of so many different other issues. Have you at least tried asking her why she behaves this way? She may have a perfectly reasonable explanation for it that has nothing to do with abuse.

Please don't reject our answers just because they're not what you want them to be.
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