Understanding myself

Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> Peer Stories
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message

Joined: 05 Feb 2010
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 12:21 pm    Post subject: Understanding myself Reply with quote

I moved several hundred miles away and began a life that felt as close to safe as I had ever known, so when the phone call came and my parents said that "he" would be traveling through my town on the way up north and I should show him around my campus it was the beginning of my unravel.

He and his wife showed up on a Saturday afternoon. I remember I mostly felt numb when they both hugged me. We spent just a few minutes in my dorm room and I was so uncomfortable that I asked if they wanted to see the rest of the campus and his wife said yes, so we all left on a walking tour. As we were leaving the dorm building, some friends of mine pulled up in a car and I was forced to introduce all of them and all of these years later I am not sure how I managed to do that. I know I did not say, "This is my second father, the man who molested me for a number of years and made me flee the city of my birth all so that he could follow me here and pop this flimsy bubble of safety I have built around myself and oh these are some of my new friends who up until now assumed that I am sort of normal." I'm sure I didn't say anything resembling the truth because I kept the truth so far away from my lips, from my awareness because that was how I survived as long as I had up until that point. It was what I knew.

Their visit was short but in the twenty minutes they were there, he managed to take my sense of safety with him.

Afterwords the nightmares came. I could not sleep and would stay up until the wee hours of the morning and then try to go to my classes. My grades dropped. I could not admit what was happening to me because I could never admit what had happened. That was my training after all.

One night several weeks later, I just lost it. It was an incident that I could have ignored, should have ignored, but I was too close to the edge of seeing and remembering the truth, so I publically reacted to something in a bizarre way. I was hauled into the dorms administrators office and given a hearing as they were thinking of kicking me out of school completely. A group of my friends attended the hearing and fought to get me a second chance. During the meeting the administrator commented that my behavior was typical of someone who was a victim of sexual abuse and asked if I had been abused in my past. I looked at the floor-- I could not make eye contact with anyone in that room as I denied such a thing had anything to do with me.

They decided I could stay in the dorms and continue my classes, but I would have to go to counseling and I would have to get my grades up.

That was a lifeline.

It was slow going and I took a lot of time to trust anyone, but little by little I found my way back to my own self. A year or so later after beginning counseling, I met the man who became my husband. That was almost twenty years ago. I still have flashbacks sometimes (one tonight prompted me to write this), but I have the tools I need to hang on and keep moving forward. And I have surrounded myself with people who give me hope when I need it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    S&F's Forum Index -> Peer Stories All times are GMT + 4 Hours
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group