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Why did I have these feelings as a child?

 
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cirrutopia
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:13 pm    Post subject: Why did I have these feelings as a child? Reply with quote

My parents were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. My boyfriend (and his dad), as well as a professor/pastor I trust, say that my folks, particularly my dad, was also sexually abusive. I'm not sure that I'm ready to call it that yet, but I wonder if there's a link between that and what I'm about to share.

I'm afraid to post these things. I've never told anybody.

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I was less than eight years old. My parents told me, before every St. Patrick's Day, that little tiny leprechauns would come into the house and leave me presents. I remember being in the kitchen, and I was filling a bowl of some sort with water. It may have been just before Easter, and my parents were letting me dye eggs. I may have even said some of this to my mother. I had a very strong urge to capture these little creatures my parents had told me about, and use those metal egg-holder things to tie them in place in the saucers I was filling. I wanted to torture them, mostly by means of molesting them. And anally penetrating them. I felt disgusting when I thought about it years later. I all but forgot.

I remember going to my friend's house. I was a few years older than the above incident. She had a black and white cat. I used to have strong urges to hurt it. I remember that once I realized once I was doing, I made a very conscious effort to forget what I'd done. I don't remember any longer. I know that I didn't actually hurt the cat... but I remember being very ashamed of whatever I'd done.

I got my dog when I was nine, and she was fully grown when this all happened, so I suspect it would have been around 8th or 9th grade. sad.gif I used to touch her inappropriately, too. I didn't really know I was doing anything wrong at the time. Unconventional, yes. Wrong? Not so much.

Then again, I thought that my father's treatment of me, while "unconventional," was not wrong, either.

From 7th or 8th grade on through high school, I thought BDSM would be the only path to sexual gratification... because I was used to being dominated and overpowered. Doing anything consensual scared me. I had rape fantasies often (which usually ended with me being "rescued" by someone I looked up to--the kind of rescuing that had never happened for me as an abused child. Nobody cared, not even Child Protective Services.

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I can't believe that I was like this. This so isn't like me now. I'm a really gentle person, and absolutely love animals. I would never do something like what I've described here.

While it bothers me that I had these sorts of urges (I feel disgusting), I know I'm not having them any more, and I'm not about to act any of them out. What really bothers me is... this can't be normal, can it? It scares me. Did something happen to me when I was little? I can't remember. I just can't. I feel like there are a few missing pieces to the puzzle. When I heard what happened to me called "sexual abuse" for the first time, a lot of the pieces fell into place. But something's still missing.

I can't use tampons. I've NEVER had any sort of vaginal penetration that I can remember. It terrifies me. I am so incredibly convinced that it will hurt.

When I'm with my boyfriend and we're in his bed together (I'm still a virgin, but we have fooled around a bit), sometimes I'll get really scared or nervous for no apparent reason. Two nights ago, he was on top of me, and I could feel his penis against my pelvic area. It was fine at first, but he noticed me cringing (eyes tightly shut and teeth bared) and I didn't know why all of a sudden this feeling of dread (and maybe deja vu) came over me.

But I can't remember.

My parents would say I'm crazy... that nothing happened, and I am sick, twisted, and disgusting to think that someone would do something to me.
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oddgrlout
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so sorry that you haven't gotten a reply to this yet! You have laid your guts out here; it's very brave of you. I can't tell you whether you have been sexually abused, but I can tell you that I was, and what you described is a normal response to sexual abuse.

Before I realized I had been abused, I just felt like I was different, not whole, incomplete somehow. Like you, when I considered the possibility of having been molested, it made sense to me, even though I have no memories of actually being molested. As a child I had strong urges to hurt children smaller than me. I would bite and pinch toddlers and babies. I stopped the behavior when I got old enough to feel sorry for what I had done (around 8, I think), but the urges continued long into my teens. I felt like a horrible person for feeling those things, but I realize now that I was overpowered and hurt as a small child, and that was a coping mechanism for me. It wasn't my fault.

It is likely that those urges and behaviors stemmed from abuse. I hope you don't hold yourself accountable for the inappropriate things you did when you were younger. I encourage you to seek help with a therapist who specializes in all forms of childhood abuse. Know that you are not alone - these types of things are the absolute scariest to admit, but many survivors have experienced them. You are brave. Hang in there, and don't stop telling your story.

It helps me to know I am not alone, too.
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