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It may be over

 
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4my wife
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Joined: 13 Sep 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:00 pm    Post subject: It may be over Reply with quote

For anyone that doesn't know me, I am the husband of a survivor. This forum has helped me a lot in a short time to try to begin to understand what a survivor goes through, and what I as a spouse can and canít do to help.

Last night she said that she was leaving today, I love my wife more than anyone else in this world, but I canít take another down hill trip on this roller coaster. I told her that I Love her, and I donít want her to go. I hope she would try to understand that, and itís not as bad as it seems. This morning she was still determined to go. I guess when I get home, Iíll know for sure, What has become a long drive down the neighborhood road to our house, not knowing what kind of mood Iíll walk into, will this afternoon be an even longer drive wondering if she will be there. I could have stayed home and tried to get her to stay, but one thing I have learned here is that I have to take care of myself also. I have literally begged her before to not let it be over, and things seem to get better, then back down the hill we again go. I have let her know that I am working on myself, and she needs help, to which she replies that she canít be helped. I found her a therapist that was recommended by my sister, an ER, RN who has seen this lady work before, and knows her to be very good with her patients. She never went. I gave her the link to this forum, and another, she doesnít use them. I got her some books that others have used to help themselves deal with past abuses, and I have told her in several ways that I am here for her to talk to.

I think itís time for me to stop riding the train, Iím not wanting her to leave, I wish with all my heart she would stay, but I canít do this anymore. I will continue to go to counseling, and work on myself. Hopefully she will get help for herself too. Maybe this will also show her that I ďCANĒ be strong, and I wonít allow her to manipulate me any more.

Mike Sad
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rezbow1965
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Joined: 08 Nov 2007
Posts: 75
Location: Maine

PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mike,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I can empathize with the pain you are going through. This rollercoaster is hard at times, but it is endurable. There is nothing that you can do to make her want to help herself, she has to find her way there herself. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad, and if she does choose to actually go, maybe that will lead your DW to realize that she does need to start healing for herself. It may even lead to her realizing that she wants you in her life and she could return....one never knows. As much as I wish my DW had never been SAed, if her youth had been different, we would have never met and we wouldn't have made the 6 fantastic children that we have been blessed with. It is one of those questions that can tie your mind up terribly.

How are you holding up under this? Keep us posted.

Dave
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4my wife
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Joined: 13 Sep 2007
Posts: 143

PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:50 pm    Post subject: I need some help understanding this now Reply with quote

Thanks for the reply, rezbow1965, I know I can't be the only one going through this, it's good to hear that confirmed sometimes.

My wife didn't leave, I am happy for that. I am now so confused, It's almost like she has wiped clean from her mind, all of the events from this past summer as never happened. Our perspective on the last several years is pretty different. Over the summer, she introduced her self to a different forum as Single and looking for a good guy. Has had several new Guy friends, and been intentionally deceptive about her actions. But all that is ancient history, and I just need to get over it. Back when we were dating, I flirted with a girl for a few minutes, and she threw it in my face for the next 7 or 8 years, yet since I won't even hardly look at another woman. She has even jokingly (kind of) given me her approval upon seeing me act that way, this while all the summer crap was going on, and probably 10 years after my incident.

I am having a hard time just moving on from all that happened this past summer, any time I attempt to broach the subject, I get a reaction like the other night when she said she was leaving. She has said that she is sorry, she doesn't know why she did that, (the singles add) which isn't the first time, there was one other, back a number of years, I only found about it when she told me after the fact.

I guess my biggest fear is that if it was a (mood swing, or other mental hiatus) then it doesn't matter what changes we make together to improve our relationship, or any positive changes I make in myself to help prevent our drifting apart again. Non of it will matter at all. All it will take is her chemical balance or what ever it is that's happening to stray out of whack, and here we go again. All I know is, I can't go through that again.


I'm seeing a therapist for myself now, and I'll work on my issues, and do my best to become the best, most stable and consistent person I can be. I know I have a long way to go, and not expecting any miracles. But It's the only thing I can do. I can't change her, but I can make positive changes in myself, that will hopefully make a positive impact in our relationship. Or so the books I have read so far seem to be consistent on that idea.

Back to the current situation, after all this, my being emotional at a lot of things now, is an issue I need to work on, and I am coming at her out of the blue with these things, She is doing just fine, I am the one that needs work. I don't doubt that, but I also know it's not just me but I can't tell her that.

Uuuuuuurgggggh, It's a vicious circle, How do I stop it, or can I?
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rezbow1965
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Joined: 08 Nov 2007
Posts: 75
Location: Maine

PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I relate to much of that. It is most certainly a vicious circle sometimes.

The issues you mentioned from this summer strike a chord to something that has just happened with us. We are both involved in Second Life, have some friends there and like to build/explore. Well, this guy started hitting on her in there and she found herself responding to him. This went on for a short time and she actually started a cyber affair with him. I had the misfortune of discovering this, and was devastated (yes, I am currently the very emotional one in our relationship). We talked about it and she realized that she fell back into a coping mechanism that she used to use when she was younger, after the abuse. She became promiscuous after her abuse as a way to feel self worth and to feel in control of her situation. This was a very hard time for both of us, but has ultimately led to a new level of communication between us, and also allowed her to see something within herself that she thought was dealt with long ago. Hopefully your DW ad's will help her realize something she is not currently aware of.

You are right, you can't do it for her. That has been an incredibly hard realization for me to accept, I wish I could lift this burden from her soul, but I can't. Like you, all I can do is work to make myself the best person I am capapble of being and be there for her and our kids.

I find my DW can react angrily when I try to broach a subject that is painful to her, so I try to do it as compassionately as I can. That being said, I have put up walls for years to keep from setting her off and from having to deal with the pain myself, and this past December I decided that that was not best for me, or for us. I tell her everything I am feeling and thinking now, and this has certainly led to some incredibly painful conversations..... but we are talking.... that is something we didn't do well with in the past. I don't know of that type of approach would work for you, but it was a choice I had to make for myself, and I hoped it would work for her, because I do not want to lose her in my life. So far it has made this whole journey a bit easier for both of us, well, at least after we get past the hurt... if that makes any sense. Again, this was a choice I made for me.

How are you getting along now? I hope well.

Dave
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makes us stronger.
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