So... why is cutting such a bad thing?

[Aimless]

thanks guys... i guess the struggle i have isn't as easily solved as a simple decision.

of course, thats life, risk and everything.

the interesting (ironic, maybe?) thing is that i haven't cut since i posted that last about cutting. i've wanted to cut, and i know i've wanted to die... but neither have happened.

so, i'm still here. and i'm still struggling. some days harder than others.

amy
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"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..."

[Tgrrr10]

I wouldn't say that "winning" is just an American thing, look at the Olympics, it's a global thing. In China children are "trained" to win, I'm quite happy I was born American and have the freedom to choose what I was going to "win" at

In all seriousness, for me it was never about being a "winner," it was and in many ways still is about being "perfect" I actually just talked with my therapist about this on Wed and part of what led me to cut was the need to feel "perfect." Most kids blame themselves for all the bad stuff that happens, that somehow they failed because they couldn't stop it. That was me. If I was just a better kid, I wouldn't get abused. How sad is that?! So, when all those "Big Dolores" feelings were in there/still are in there. It makes me feel not perfect. Like I'm not doing a good job. As if I'm failing because I can't keep those thoughts away. I need to remind myself that my goal in life isn't to be perfect.

Avalon, I too wish my Mom was there with her loving arms as you are to your daughter. I guess from this end, I would encourage you to encourage your daughter to tap into that love for herself. To want to not cut for herself and not just how it makes you feel about it. I really don't mean that in a bad way, just can't find the words to phrase it better! Do you know what I mean. It sounds like all the things you are telling her are great, but having been one that has been on the other side of those words--my best friends have told me a lot of that--it often puts me feeling like I'm holding their happiness in my hands and sometimes makes me want to feel perfect even more! Encourage her to look inside to see that there is nothing wrong with her, that there is no reason to want to be different, that who she is all she has to be.

On one of my first therapy sessions with my first therapist, she told me that I was ok, that even if I didn't do another day of therapy in my life, I was ok, there was nothing wrong with me. I've never forgotten that she said that, nor will I. I know with all my heart that healing from this is going to enrich my life and I wouldn't dream of stopping, but to know that there isn't anything "wrong" with me.....it's not always at the front of my mind and I'm the first one to sit down with a list of what I need to change, but it's times like these when the clouds part and the music plays and I'm reminded that there is nothing wrong with me. Something wrong was done to me. I wasn't what was wrong.

Thanks for sparking the ignition ladies and gentleman!

T
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~Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly~ -Anonymous

"No Day But Today" -Jonathan Larson

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.*
unknown

[avalon140]

Ivonne and Tgggr.....

thank you for all you both said it has given me a lot to think about...going to ask my daughter to read it and ask if she wants to talk about it at all...I know she is reading in here a lot more now.

As for winning and for being perfect I have not thought of them as the same thing...I know I tell her and my boys all the time that they are perfect the way they are..when they were babies I would touch every toe and finger and thier elbows and knees and tell them how wonderfully perfect they were...each part of them because that is what makes them who they are....as for the winning I am not sire how it is for her but I know for me when I started dealing with the abuse I went through and even now 18 years later...when I have a flash back or I think of hurting myself or I get down on myself and start the asking why...I tell myself I refuse to give him the power to make even one minute of my life negative...so when I talk of winning I talk of that. For me it works...for her and or for others I understand it might not. I have learned that even though we do all share something we also have all had experiances that are dramtically different. Even if two of the experiances were the same we were different people so different things work and dont work for us.


As for my daughter tapping into her love for herself I think we are doing ok there...I guess I hope.....I know I can not compare her to me when I was her age....when I watch and listen to her friends and other people talk of thier 13 year old daughters I am amazed. So unlike my daughter...ok well she is not perfect...but she is open and she really talks to me...I know she doesnt tell me everything but she tells me more than I would have thought to expect....hmmmm

so many questions in my head now after reading your posts....thank you both for giving me things to think about and to talk with her about.....I do know I am a good mom....not just her but her brothers do talk to me..about real things....and yet I do know there is huge room for impovment...as always with anything

thank you
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You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." -Eleanor Roosevelt

[ivonne]

lol, Tgrrr,

You're right, Americans don't have the exclusive rights to finding winning important. I must disagree with your remark about the olympics though:

The Olympics really aren't about winning. They are about participating, about brotherhood. They are about athletes from all over the world coming together and practising what they do best.
When they come back there's a ceremony to honor ALL the athletes. The focus for the olympics is on excellence and the commonality of human experience. The stories that make the television here aren't about how fast someone skated, but the friends they made with other skaters...

Ivonne
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We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[Tgrrr10]

Oh I know that the Olympics aren't about winning, it was the first thing that came to mind. Esp thinking of the Japenese woman who was made to apologize to her country for getting the silver medal instead of the gold. That's what I was thinking of, not so much of the Olympics themselves, but of the viewpoint many take them as, as proving yourself to be the "best." Athletes who feel like they have been failures because either they failed to make the Olympic team or not had a good showing at the Olympics. Even though they could hold the world record. Know what I mean.

Avalon, you are a good Mom, a great one in fact! I see what you were saying about the "winning"--kind of like Jane's signature, living a good life makes the best revenge. I agree. And I guess for me it's those days, those awful ones when it gets too much, when I'm not living the good life, when I feel like I'm the one causing my misery, again that I'm failing to do it right. Not in anyway saying that this is your daughter, just how I feel sometimes. And I'm realizing that that is when I feel the urge to cut the most. When those feelings are so much and I'm not able to pick myself up and smile at the world and say that what happened has no real effect on me anymore. I realize that is the root of healing. Finding a way to go back and process all that stuff, so it doesn't interfere with my living the good life.

Perhaps I should take the analogy of the Olympics and hold it true for myself. That this healing journey isn't about getting it right and being the best all the time. But that it is about the journey and all that is learned and experienced along the way. Can I just say I'm learning an awful lot along the way

T
_________________
~Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly~ -Anonymous

"No Day But Today" -Jonathan Larson

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.*
unknown

[avalon140]

Some people wont like this post I am sure and I am sorry...it is not meant to point fingers at anyone it is a question I struggle with myself.



somewhere in one of threads in the last few days there was a comment about because we were abused doesnt make it ok to hurt others...it also doesnt make it ok to hurt ourselves I think....I am not sure why hurting ourselves is so bad....I guess that would have to be something each person would decide for themselves...but I would think if it is something we would not want a loved one to do to themselves then chances are it is something we should not be doing to ourselves....and yes we were abused and that was wrong but at what point do we step up and take responsbilty for ourselves and our actions? We all have bad days....even people who were not abused.....does that make it an ok time to do something we ( inside ourselves because we have decided it is wrong ) should be able to do and then blame on what has happened to us?
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You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." -Eleanor Roosevelt

[ivonne]

Hi Avalon,

I agree with you to some extend. Cutting is wrong, but in the childs mind it is the best available answer to what is happening. We know better now, but sometimes the child inside us sorta takes over.

Healing is honoring the child inside and teaching it new and improved ways of dealing with the world. Honor is important.

It's quite simple really, we're not perfect. Sometimes cutters will cut. Sometimes overeaters will overeat. Sometimes alcoholics will turn to drink. Sometimes perfectionists will overexert themselves to the brink of death. We are not perfect and we shouldn't put that on ourselves, because the cost of punishing ourselves for our imperfection is higher than we are willing to pay.

With love, honor and cherishing, the child inside can be appeased. It takes constant vigilance and a very good listener to listen to the child inside, instead of having it take over. It's important to keep trying, even if failure is often the outcome. Try try try again...

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin