Old Fear or Bad Dream?

[Rosie]

okay well i've been doing pretty well at hiding how odd i feel. so far no one has noticed which is exactly what i want but i don't want to feel so odd anymore so i'm asking for help.

Last night i had a fantastic night's sleep. I mean i was comfortable, nothing woke me up, i was dreaming normally, didn't roll over or wake up at all. of course i set my alarm clock but i didn't flick the switch so it didn't go off. my sister woke me up.

i got up feeling very good. on the way to school i listened to music. i always have headphones on because there is one kid that pushes me too far and i get into trouble so i block out all noise. anyways, i started to feel really odd. like i was happy and sad. like i was nervous but calm at the same time. happy and mad. so many mixes of feelings and stuff. i got confused about what it was.

in geometry i sat there and thought about it. then i realized that it was fear. i mean major fear. like how it was before or after my brother did something to me. i dont know where it came from but half way through the class i decided i couldn't take it so i went to the counselor. she wasn't there so she called me down about an hour later. i talked to her about what i thought was going on.

i did feel better after i left the office but i still felt odd. i only felt a little better. i mean last time i felt like this was halloween night last year. and i ended up cutting all holy heck outta my arm. i'm not gonna do that because i grew up and my brain grew with me.

but i really don't know where this feeling came from. i've gone back and thought. i just started feeling it when i was looking out the window on the bus. it wasn't the music that did it. i know that. i'd been listening to it for a week. (i pick one band or something to be my favorite for a week. i'm weird that way) i was just looking out the window at the sun on the ground and just started to feel odd.

when i started to feel like this, i started to remember things. things i already could remember but they just popped into my mind. most were bad things i've done. or things that i think were bad. I really don't understand where all of it is coming from. i don't like it.

I don't know if i was triggered by looking at the sun on the ground or if it was just me being so happy and having that good night's sleep. I remember an odd dream. it could have been a bad one but i honestly only remember one thing...it's all fuzzy when i think about it but it's like a grey room and someone is there with me. I don't know who it is or what they're doing but they are there. and there was a bright flash.

that's it. That's all i can remember. I don't understand it. I can think hard to try and remember what it's from but i can't get it. just the grey, the figure, and then the flash. it really doesn't make sense at all.

do you think it was the dream? i just wondered because i don't like feeling scared like this. it bugs me.

[Tgrrr10]

Hey there Rose, not sure if it was a bad dream or a flashback. With all the feelings attached kind of seems like s flashback to me, who knows it could be both.

I think what's more important than what it was, is how does it make you feel? And how can you help yourself work through those feelings?

I get the whole scared thing. It's a funny thing (I don't mean ha ha funny) how just thinking about something can make the fear so real. Sure you can tell yourself it's not happening now, but it sure feels like it is. Kind of like when it was happening you had no time to feel the fear, you were too busy surviving and now that a part of you knows its safe, it's finding ways to release itself. Does that make sens? Doesn't make it easier, but fighting them makes it worse. My therapist told me to allow the flashbacks to play out, but keep reminding myself that it wasn't happening now, look at it like you're watching a movie he said, not how I wanted to begin my acting career! Actually what really helped me was talking to myself during the flashbacks (no not out loud) but to that little girl in the memory, giving her the reassurance that she's ok. But more importantly that she's not going through it alone and that I'm here to protect her now. As much as I hate flashbacks/nightmares, I really do think they are a way for you to work through things.

Anyway, I'm glad you got some good sleep, don't let this keep you from getting more of it. Take care of you!!

T
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~Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly~ -Anonymous

"No Day But Today" -Jonathan Larson

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.*
unknown

[Rosie]

i dont know. i'll think about that stuff. for now, i need sleep. i'm tired and i want to sleep like last night. that was awesome.
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Almost scary isn't it?

[Tgrrr10]

sweet dreams, and no need to think about anything, just sleep!
_________________
~Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly~ -Anonymous

"No Day But Today" -Jonathan Larson

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.*
unknown

[ivonne]

I agree with Tgrrr. Plus it seems to describe exactly what you were doing, so YEAH Rosie!

Going through the fears and the tears will help heal the wounds over. It really doesn't matter what triggered this bout of memories, as the triggers are just triggers, plus, if you really process what get's triggered, the next time this trigger won't have such a powerful hold on you.

It sounds like you are healing, this is what it is about. And it is very tiring, so a good nights sleep sounds like a very good idea... good luck Rosie, hope you get many good nights like that.

Ivonne
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We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[Rosie]

i'm mad. i didn't get a gooooood sleep til five fifty three. took forever to drag my butt outta bed and six. off to do stuff...ttyl.
_________________
http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?

[ivonne]

That song by Melissa gives me such comfort. Mercy... it is probably what helped me to believe that I could love again...

Ivonne
_________________
We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
–-Anaîs Nin

[Jane_R]

Hey Rosie,
I was so glad to hear you had a good night's sleep and started to feel happy. I'm guessing that you could have been triggered by the dream, by the scenery, or even by the fact that things were going well!

I seem to remember that's happened with you before, going from good to lousy--and I know it's happened to me. My system just wasn't used to the idea/feeling of feeling good, so the old pressures/demons reared up and made me feel the old way, the way I was used to--that is lousy! funny how that old familiar sh*tty can be "comfortable."

Ivonne's right that you are processing the trauma, and as you cycle through it more times, it will get less toxic. It's just a slow process. But you are actually in good shape in that you are doing it now, not repressing it and having to cope when you are 30 or 40 or 50. Hang in there, Rosie.

(((( Rosie ))))

Jane

[Rosie]

well if i was trigger because i was actually feeling good then that just sucks.
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http://tashabauer.daportfolio.com/

Almost scary isn't it?

[Jane_R]

Well I know, but that will happen less as you learn how to feel good safely. There's a saying in family systems psychology that if any one person in a family tries to change, everyone reacts by saying, "Change back!" They don't do it out loud, but they keep trying to manipulate the person back to their old role (as victim, as hero, as rescuer...).

I think we work the same inside. We're used to our way of being, so the forces inside try to change back to the old ways. For me, it helps to have a sense of humor (you're great at that) and say "Oh, you! I recognize you--you're that demon that says I'm always supposed to be Good Girl (or whatever)."


Be well
Jane